A Day In The Life Of Sunburnt Stalin

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Okay, I’m not an American so perhaps that means I am singularly unqualified to comment on the politics, culture(s) and challenges that they face as a nation. Perhaps in this age of opinions being masqueraded as facts, my opinion is just about as valid and ‘true’ as the notion that Ted Cruz has any integrity left now that he is a fully-fledged, card-carrying member of team Drumpf. But perhaps my opinions are valid because the guy who in just under 50 days will have direct access to legions of flying robots and a weapons arsenal that could obliterate us all, displays a singular talent for petty, reactionary behaviour and issuing decrees via Twitter.

But apparently I needn’t have worried. A reliable source from within the heart of team Trump has provided us with transcripts from various incidents in the past 24 hours. Excerpts are below:

Morning, November 27th 2016, Trump Tower, New York

Sunburnt Stalin: Melania, Have you seen my mobile? It’s really, really important that I find my mobile. I have to speak to the American people; what I have to say is going to be huge.

Melania Trump: Donald, Kellyanne said I need to….

SS: Melania. Melania. Melania. Who’s President of the country? Huh? Hmm? Kellyanne? No. It’s me. Ok? Ok? Ok?

MT: (mumbling) Not yet you’re not. (She hands him the phone)

SS: Right, time to speak to the people. They need to know the truth. This whole thing is rigged. The system is rigged and it’s rigged big league by the crooked media, China, Mexico, the lousy Green Party and the Democrats – those losers.

MT: So what are you going to say Donald? You know I hate the online bullying. Have you seen what they say about Baron? That he is – how you say – autistic? You know I hate the bullying.

SS: Of course our son’s artistic, look at those great drawings on the fridge. I don’t see the problem. And by the way, when the President says something it’s not bullying, it’s Presidential Ok? Steve told me that. Anyway, “The Green Party scam to fill up their coffers by asking for impossible recounts is now being joined by the badly defeated & demoralized Dems”. Fire tweet one. Whoo – I can’t wait to get those nuclear codes. “The Democrats, when they incorrectly thought they were going to win, asked that the election night tabulation be accepted. Not so anymore!” (SS is now looking at a 6 foot portrait of himself) Oh Donald you’re a genius, everyone says so, even Vladimir says that. A lot of people are saying that. Everyone knows the people love me. Look at my rallies

(Kellyanne Conway bursts in to the office)

KaC: Sir, I thought we agreed to reduce our Twitter communication. I’ve just had 2 alerts from your account (she glares at Melania, who shrugs her shoulders)

SS: Kellyanne calm down, OK? I just sent a couple of tweets to the American people, because I know they’re concerned at all of this recount nonsense, and I know how much they love me Ok, so I reassured them.

KaC: Well, they’re not bad actually. And I suppose…wait, what are you doing?

SS: “In addition to winning the Electoral College in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally” There. That should do it.

KaC: &*%@! &(*&#+#!

SS: Now come on Kellyanne, you know how much I hate that kind of language. It’s disgusting, real locker room talk.

(SS leaves the room, leaving Kellyanne rocking backwards and forwards in a foetal position)

Afternoon, November 27th 2016, Trump Tower

(SS is watching Jeff Zeleny of CNN call him a “sore winner” with “zero-evidence” supporting his claim that he was the victim of voter fraud. Zeleny described the claims as “blatant and baseless.” His advisor, Jason Miller is with him, kneeling at his feet)

SS: Miller, this is unacceptable.

JM: Agreed sir, unacceptable

SS: So what are we going to do Miller?

JM: Well sir, we could take the high ground and refrain from any more discussion about the subject. After all, we won sir.

SS: Take the high ground? Take the high ground? Are you suggesting Miller that I’m somehow on the low ground? I’m a winner, Ok? A ****ing winner Miller. I’m the President – that means I’m always high. On the high. On the high ground godammit.

JM: Yes sir, of course sir. You’re not President yet but of course you will be sir. How about reading some of the security briefings that you need to catch up on? They might distract you from…

SS: You know Miller, I’ve never liked you. You look like a rotten egg with a goatee beard you Humpty-Dumpty looking ass you. You’re asking me to read? I’ve got Pence for that. Go and get me Steve-O

JM: Sir, it’s still early. You know how he reacts to sunlight.

SS: **** off Miller. I don’t know why I keep you around. (Miller skulks off). Okay what to do, what to do. Aaah, of course, I’ll respond to my supporters, which is nearly everyone because 3 million of Hillary's voters were illegal. Here’s a cool guy, called Joe Bowman “"@JoeBowman12: @jeffzeleny just another generic CNN part time wannabe journalist !" @CNN still doesn't get it. They will never learn!” Lousy media. Man I can’t wait to change those libel laws. (Jason Miller slinks back in to the office, phone in hand and offering it to SS)

JM: Sir, it’s Kellyanne

SS: (Whispering loudly) You told her I was here? I ****ing hate you Miller (He takes the phone). Kellyanne, come on now, what’s with the locker room talk again….

Evening, November 27th 2016, Jean Georges restaurant, New York

(SS is looking at a menu. Across the table sits Mitch Romney. He looks frantic, like a rapist in a brothel. He speaks in a hushed, slightly strangled tone)

MR: Well Donald, thanks for…

SS: Shut it Romney. Keep smiling and move your lips in case anyone’s watching, but shut it. Ok? Alright?

MR: But, Donald, I thought we were here to bury the hatchet. And now you want me to be quiet?

SS: Ok. You’re allowed small talk, Ok? There’s no hatchet from me Romney. You, you need to bury the hatchet.

MR: Right, so why am I here?

SS: To make me look even better Romney. The country loves my movement and me; everybody says so. But if I make nice with a weasel like you Romney then I look even more Presidential.

MR: That’s actually pretty smart Donald

SS: Of course it is. Me and Steve-O thought that one up earlier. You should have seen Kellyanne’s face – she looked like they do when I gram ‘em by the p……

MR: Mr Trump please

SS: Shut up Romney. Remember you’re just here for small talk you loser. And maybe a job so I can see the look on Kellyanne’s face. Man, there’s a face you could open a tin of beans with.

(It is silent for over 2 minutes. MR shifts in his seat. A photographer sits behind MR and asks for a picture. SS agrees and tells Romney to turn towards the camera)

SS: That’s it Mitch. Smile. Great, the food’s here.

MR: So – what’s this I’m eating?

SS: Your dignity, loser.

Fascinating insight, I think you’ll agree. Is my source reliable? Are they human? Is any of it true? Who gives a toss in this day and age? I lie to myself all the time – but I never believe me…..